2019 IS OVER.
I still remember the moment the clock struck twelve signalling the beginning of yet another year, whilst watching an abundance of loud, bright and senseless series of stunning explosions continued to shower the skies, I secretly made a wish.
I wish 2019 could be a peaceful year.
I was so worried and anxious at that point. I didn't know why but I had a feeling 2019 was going to be a rough one.
Twelve months and six days later, I guess it's safe to say that my wish has come true. Couldn't be more grateful for that.
The year of 2019 is everything but a rocky one. If this is not a blessing, what is?
As I am typing the summary of the year, I'm scrolling down my own Instagram stories to recall what actually happened throughout the year. Just a year ago, my source of reference was my diary. It's only a year apart and I can hardly recall when was the last time I penned down my thoughts on paper with a pen. Not even for once if my memories serve me right. I won't be surprised if one day soon, I forget how to write, especially in Chinese. Those building-block like characters just seem more and more foreign to me now.
I spent my first night in 2019 with Dear Chai. It's just another ordinary chilling night with wine and loads of unfinished stories. The wine was really awful but we cheapskates deserved it because we paid peanuts for wine. Padan muka.
See? Sometimes you remember things not because they are wonderful, it can be the other way round. Eleven months down the road, I still remember that bad metallic rusty aftertaste vividly. Ugh.
Not the loveliest way to kick start a new year, but at least it was a peaceful one. That's the first blessing of the year and little did I know back then, I would receive more blessings throughout the year.
Let's start from simple, fundamental things that I feel grateful for.
1. A roof over my head and a warm home
✿ Despite of the shabbiness of my rented room, having a place to call home is something to be thankful for.
✿ A cozy bed is one of those things that's easy to take for granted, until you don't have one.
2. Don't have to go hungry
✿ In fact, I spend more than I should on food all the time.
3. Money in the bank
✿ Nothing close to rich, but I'm able to sustain myself.
✿ I have extra money to pay for bills when emergency arises.
✿ I have enough spare money when I don't receive my salary on time.
✿ I have extra money to spoil myself a little once in a while...which is kind of on monthly basis.
✿ I can afford basically everything that I need in life.
✿ I have never had to worry about money before going to bed.
✿ I can afford basically everything that I need in life.
✿ I have never had to worry about money before going to bed.
4. I can enjoy the small and free pleasures of life
✿ Love. Conditional and unconditional love from people.
✿Kindness of strangers. A male lawyer actually held the door and waited for me when I was walking 200m behind him and was busy playing with my phone. Smiles that I received from strangers. Getting invited to church on Christmas. There are so many more but I can't remember everything.
✿ Bizarre things that make me laugh. Example of the year? Getting hit on at KL court by the brother of some big shot Dato. It's weird and scary, but it's funny. Bar tender won't stop texting me on daily basis though I never reply. I can't say that my life is colourful but pretty sure it's not dull.
✿ Bizarre things that make me laugh. Example of the year? Getting hit on at KL court by the brother of some big shot Dato. It's weird and scary, but it's funny. Bar tender won't stop texting me on daily basis though I never reply. I can't say that my life is colourful but pretty sure it's not dull.
✿ New pets at home. Ben Ben and Ne Ne. Silly names. Thanks to dad and sisters. But they are bae!
✿ Went hiking and actually enjoyed it.
✿ Cooking. Successfully making a few recipe that are challenging to me, like Bibimbap.
✿ Alone time. This needs no explanation. I love companions but I need me time too.
✿ Handwritten postcard all the way from London. I always receive postcard from friends but I have never sent any to them. Not that I don't love them as much as they love me, it's simply because I didn't travel to anywhere :P I really appreciate their effort.
✿ The opportunity to act like a kid again, for two months, at home. Blessed.
✿ Weekends. When some of my friends are still busting their ass over the weekends, I always have my weekends to myself. I'm not required to go back to office during weekends except for once or twice. I'm a very very very blessed girl in that sense.
✿ Laughter. I laughed way often than crying, and that's something to be grateful.
✿ Safety and security. Thanks to my ugliness, I'm super safe :3 Thanks to my heart (as big as my boobs, my friends say WTF), I always keep my peace of mind at bay.
✿ Sunshine and rain.
✿ Clean water. Always take water as granted until...water shortage occurs. I'm grateful because in 2019, water shortage never occurs, not even for once. It's kind of nan de when you live in Selangor, okay? XD
✿ Employment. That means money comes in on monthly basis!
✿ Air-conditioning. Not free, but I'm really grateful for that. Fat girl can't survive heat okay XD
✿ People willing to teach. I'm grateful that others are willing to use their time and talents to teach me something new. What's better? I don't have to pay for that.
✿ Access to the internet. Another thing that is easy to take for granted.
5. Car and transport
I am grateful that I can afford a car. Car loan is no fun but without a car, surviving in KL could be quite tough.
6. My friends and family
Most of my friends are still around. Acquaintance remains acquaintance. Didn't make any new friend in 2019. Lose a few instead. I guess I will eventually get used to losing people. FAMILYYYY. Still the same old family with love-hate relationship. At times I think that I share a closer bond with my friends than with my sisters. SAD. On a bright side, everyone made it through 2019. That's definitely something to be grateful for. Grandpa is diagnosed with bowel cancer. Besides soiling himself at times, he's doing so much greater than other patients with the same disease. It's a relief that he doesn't have to suffer the pain. May everyone stay healthy and safe in the coming year.
7. My health
Nothing has changed. Nothing has gone worse. Amitabha.
8. The setbacks that have formed me and made me stronger
2019 is the year where I finally mustered up my courage to move outside my comfort zone and joined a new firm. Everyone warned me how tough it would be to secure a job. Parents were worried for me but they chose to be supportive. Partners from the previous firm kept reminding me how bad the economy is and how impossible it is to secure a job, never mind to get a higher salary. I'm glad that I didn't heed their advice. Sure, looking for a job is not as easy as it sounds but I have eventually parked under a firm that I find okay to work in. Prior to this firm, I joined another firm which is not exactly the best place to work in. Yeap, trying really hard to be polite here. I was really unhappy and after sleeping over it for two weeks, I decided to leave. I'm really glad that this time, it didn't take me years to finally summon the courage to resign. Despite of the small hiccup, once again, I'm employed. I got hired before I had to worry about my financial status and that's really something to be grateful for.
9. Long break
Had the longest break I had since I graduated from university. I cleared half of my annual leaves before resigning from the previous firm. That's 11 days worth of leave. I took a month break in July before joining the scariest firm I have been to. Worked for a month and decided to leave the firm. Best decision ever. Then I spent September at home and October in KL trying to look for another job. Barely remember what I did at home. I woke up around noon every day. Lunch was prepared by dad. Never fail to take a nap after lunch. Messing around with family and pets in the evening. Dinner time. Rushing translation. Go to bed. Life was simple and easy back at home. Staying at home was fun. I was surprised that I actually quite enjoyed having my family by my side. Time seemed to pass a little quicker with them around. That's when I questioned myself if I should go back to work in KL again because life in SP was not as bad as I thought. However, I decided to make a come back in the end because I think I still enjoy staying alone better. October was quite a nervous month where I was sandwiched between taking a longer break and looking for a new job. Well, no doubt I could afford a longer break but it's also kind of scary to see money in bank account dissipating day by day. I eventually succumbed and lucky me, I didn't have to go for many interviews. I got hired in my second interview. Interview is just...nerve wrecking and I hope I will never have to go for interview again.
10. I am alive
There are days when I hope that I can just drop dead. There are days when I hope a lorry can just come and crush me. But more often, I'm happy that I'm alive. I'm happy that I'm given a chance to experience life and to see the world from different perspectives. I cannot be more grateful for being able to keep my mental health intact and better, have extra positive energy to share with those who are in need of emotional support.
Now, on to the sad part.
1. STILL SINGLE
No surprise there but I still can't help feeling sorry for myself. It's not that I don't enjoy being single but as more and more friends are getting married and/or engaged if not already got married, fear of being left behind starts to kick in. At some points of the year, I thought I saw a glimpse of hope to fall in love with someone. In the end, I realize nothing is going to happen. It takes two to tango and I'm the only tango dancer here it seems. Worse, I feel like he's been avoiding me lately. No more random messages. No more disclosure on private stuffs. He is slowly fading away from my life. I get it. The feeling is not mutual. Still, losing a friend hurts. I thought I was special but turned out I was just thinking too much. OUCH. Silly self, as usual. It's fine, I will get used to it soon. I know I will eventually be fine. ANDDDDDDD my number one crush proposed to his girlfriend! In 2019, my crush crushed my heart T.T Guess who will need a new crush in 2020? LOL.
2. STILL OBESE AND UGLY
HAHAHA. Yeap. Not motivated enough to do something to improve it but I do care about my appearance. Pretty sure that's the main reason why I am still single LOLOLOL. Someone actually told me that the sad thing is not that I'm obese, the sad thing is knowing that I'm obese, I ain't gonna do anything about it which makes it even more sad. He's right. To make myself feel better, at least with this look and size, I'm still able to secure a job. PHEW. In 2020, I really hope I will be determined enough to do something, to cut down some weight and to be healthier.
3. STILL BROKE
My bank account makes me want to cry 9 times out of 10. I know that I should be grateful that at least I still have something in the bank account but protecting a double digit worth of money using a six digit long password is sheer pathetic. LOL.
4. LOSING PEOPLE
Bye people! Thank you for stopping by to teach me life lessons. You will be missed.
5. DIDN'T TRAVEL ABROAD
I remember that I regretted the same thing back in 2018. Guess who had repeated the same mistake? I had all the time in the world in 2019 but I was just lazying around. When I had a break, I didn't had the money. Honestly, I don't feel really really really bad for not going on a trip to oversea. I don't have the urge to travel. Yes, I can't deny that I love exploring new places but it just doesn't have to be other countries. To me, what matters is not the place, but the companion.
In July 2019, I re-visited Penang island. I went hiking. I spent an afternoon in a pâtisserie that I had never been too. I took a stroll at the old town. I took part in Heritage Celebrations. I watched sunset at Straits Quay. I had the worst korean buffet somewhere near Gurney Plaza. My car got clamped because I parked it at the roadside. Had to pay RM 50 to get it unlocked. FML. I visited a Thai temple and Kek Lok Si. I had been to Kek Lok Si for many many times but every time when I was there, I discovered new spots. I dined in with my best friends in a new restaurant which they had never been to even though they live in Penang. I felt less awful being in Penang. It no longer reminds me of my ex-boyfriend.
In the same month, I went back to my home town. I learned to appreciate its beauty in a different way. On a rainy afternoon, I sat outside the house, reading a novel while sipping hot tea. In the evening, I wandered around the kampung. My sister and I went to paddy field too sometimes, when she needed a break from pretending to be cheerful at home. She broke up with her boyfriend back in June and her heart was shattered into a million pieces. The last time she broke down was almost a decade ago, when she had her first break up. I spent a lot of time playing with my puppies. The first thing I would do after I woke up was to check on them and the last thing I would do before going to bed was to kiss them.
One day after my birthday, Dear Chai bought me a macrame class. We went to the class together and in the class, we learned how to create a macrame from scratch. It's a good experience, but a pricey one.
In September 2019, I played tourist in KL. I went to Batu Caves for the first time after living here for more than six years. I drove to Berjaya Hill in Pahang. My cousin and I visited France, Japan and Thailand on the same day. #taitaitrip
In October 2019, I paid my cousin a visit in Batu Pahat and realised that she's been living a lonely life there. She didn't complain much about her new life but I could tell that things are not easy for her. Still, being the happy-go-lucky girl as she always is, she just silently put up with all the hiccups.
I only traveled within Malaysia in 2019 and I'm happy. I always get satisfied easily and I am very grateful for that.
Guess I really cannot complain about 2019. It's been a relatively easy year and I hope year 2020 will be yet another peaceful year.
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Dear JY,
In 2020, I hope you take your heart back from those who didn't choose you.
I hope you start the new year with them out of your system because if I'm being honest, if they're not here with you, if they're not trying their new year by your side, if they're not trying to make up for the things they've done, then they don't deserve another year of you thinking about them, another year of you missing them, another year of you wanting them back.
Cheers, to a better year ahead :)
Cheers, to a better year ahead :)
