I called him two times, in a row.
No one answered, and I knew that was his sleeping time.

He had been sleepless since the first day of semester.
Because we talked every midnight, and he complained a lot bout his hectic life.
I was really busy too.
Somehow, chatting with him always made me felt relieved a little bit.
I could not tell why. 

I did not blame him.
You could not expect your friend to pick up your call every time, could you?

Then I saw his post on anniversary.

I am happy for you, for your sweet sweet life.
I really am.
Bacause I care for you, and I cannot be more happy when I see your with your dumb face smiling like an idiot.

But I am not happy when I called, you never bother to call me back or give me a reply in any way.
I did not just call for a single time, I called twice.
TWICE.

What if I was under emergency?

I was so grumpy yesterday.
I knew why I was so furious deep down when I see the-dedicated-bf post from him.
Because my period had been late for 3 days, and because I had a mini attack from my ex boyfriend, and because I FUCKING CALLED YOU FOR 2 TIMES AND YOU DID NOT PICK UP MY CALLS.

I was so heart broken.
Because I had been stopping myself from calling you for the past few days.
I did not even know why every time I needed to talk, you were the only person I could think of.

Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because I wanted to talk, to someone, to anyone.
However, I found no one to talk to.
Scrolling facebook friends, found no one. NO ONE.
I used to think I have a lot of friends.
Now, where had they gone?

Then, I felt extreme lonely.
But I remained calm on the outside.
I smiled to everyone, and laughed at moronic jokes.
I thought I would be suicidal, but I did not.

Mom said those who committed suicide were the stupidest people on earth.
I did not plan to make myself a fool.

I felt guilty for adding burden onto his shoulder all the time, because he had had enough of his own problems and conflicts.

Whenever he wished to spill his secret, he would say:

If I simply let out my inner conflicts, it would cause burden to you. I don't want to be selfish.

I had no idea how many times would I have to pursue him to be his real self in front of me.
I was really fine with it.
Considered that I had seen almost every faces of his.
Not the sexy face of course. LOL.

And it's kind of tired to prove him that I am okay to spare some of his problems mentally every time.

I witnessed our friendship grew.
From a seed to a small tree.

Sometimes I doubted if we could keep our friendship ran deep and strong.
Most of the time, I would tell myself to cherish his presence before he got too occupied with his wife and kids.
Then, he would have no time for me anymore. ha.
By that time, I would be upgraded as Aunty Jiayuan.
How wonderful is that, provided we were still this close that time.

Okay, I was being delusional again.
I just could not keep all negative thoughts out of my head.
Help, somebody help.
I am drowninggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg inside.

My anger drove me to text him.
But I had never expect he would actually make an explanation.  

He was the kind of person that would rather get misunderstood than to explain.
He hated having to make long-winded explanation.

We had been argue for a few times over this matter.
The fact that my insecurity needed explanation all the time over really small incident and he loathed it.

I remembered there was one time I started to be really grumpy during our conversation.
I was questioning him over something which I could not remember what. LOL.
I think it had to be something to do with my priority as his good friend or whatsoever.

I acted like a barbarian whenever my insecurity issues arose.
Most of the time he would bite his tongue and tried to pat me at my back to calm me down.
I did aware that my temper would chase those who love me away.
But I just could not control.

One day, he threw tantrum at me.
He left me the last message then he went offline.

Because I crossed his limit.

He said, 你要怎样想你喜欢啦.

And we did not talk to each other for months.

Until he came and asked if I was still mad at him.
Then, I forgave him for what he did not make mistake.

I was a terrible terrible friend.

So, when I read his reply, I felt so bad.


























I am sorry. I should not release my anger on you.
You had been so kind to me, especially after my break up.

I would try my best to be a better friend, alright.

Thank you for your explanation.
I owe your gf a big big hug because she changed you into a better person :D